


thankful that i held you at all

by howlingheartdemigod (helpmeimstuckon)



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Awkward Dates, F/F, Fluffy Ending, Modern with elements of Canon, Sabotage, my sister made me write this, sabotaged dates
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-15
Updated: 2019-04-15
Packaged: 2020-01-13 16:04:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,068
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18472321
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/helpmeimstuckon/pseuds/howlingheartdemigod
Summary: The first time must have been a coincidence. Beau told herself it was a coincidence. Yasha didn’t even like going clubbing.So, a coincidence. A fluke. A completely unfathomable mistake that Yasha was at the same club she and Vorsah had come to. She couldn’t possibly be standing there because Beau had posted about waiting in line on her snapchat story. Yasha barely used her snapchat. Coincidence.-After they break up, Beau tries to see other people. Things keep getting in the way of that.





	thankful that i held you at all

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Alicia_Antioch](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Alicia_Antioch/gifts).



> my sister sent me this list of post breakup aus and i was like “oh cool angst” and she was like “do one that’s not angst” and I was like “??? i can’t do that” and she was like “try” and i was like “eh” but then the next day i referred to a salamander as a ‘pokit frien,’ implied this was sustainable if i just ‘put watr in pokit’ and called a salamander ‘watr snek with leg perfect goblin frien’ and she stopped emailing me so i had to bribe her by giving her PC in our DnD game more money, she's a rogue so this is always effective, and promising to write this so. in case you were wondering. 
> 
> cross posted on tumblr. find me there at howlingheartdemigod
> 
> title from sara bareilles’ if i can’t have you

The first time must have been a coincidence. Beau told herself it was a coincidence. Yasha didn’t even _like_ going clubbing. Beau had a very vivid memory of Yasha pulling her close in their- no, Yasha’s kitchen. Beau had never technically moved in, not hers, never hers- twirling her slowly to music only they could hear, telling Beau she liked a different type of dancing better.

“Face to face, body to body,” Yasha’d told her, voice low. “Skin to skin.” Beau remembered shivering with the words. Yasha claimed she wasn’t good with words, but she always had the ones to make Beau’s knees go weak.

So, a coincidence. A fluke. A completely unfathomable mistake that Yasha was at the same club she and Vorsah had come to. She must have been there for work. Must have been called in to work as a bodyguard, or… Beau wasn’t sure. She couldn’t possibly be standing there because Beau had posted about waiting in line on her snapchat story. Yasha barely _used_ her snapchat. Coincidence.

Beau was staring at Yasha, who was sitting at the bar, eyes searching the crowd, until a blue blur came and wrapped her arms around her. “Beau!” Jester shouted, voice cutting through the loud music. “I didn’t know you came here!” Jester pulled back, taking Beau’s hands, wide smile, indigo curls bouncing with her movement, eyes glinting with trouble.

Beau returned Jester’s smile, shaking her head clear. “First time coming here.” She replied, the light and music coming back into focus, the feeling of sweat hanging in the too warm air. Beau glanced back to the bar, finding Yasha looking at her. _‘No, at Jester. Clearly that’s the only reason she’s here. No one can say no to Jester.’_ She told herself. “What are you doing here?” she asked Jester, pretending that she hadn’t seen Yasha. Pretending she didn’t know Yasha existed, in fact. She’d never seen Yasha before in her life, why would she care?

“Oh, you know. I wanted to dance. Yasha came with!” Jester said around a mouthful of mischief. “Fjord is out of town visiting Vandren, and Molly was busy, and Nott is busy with wedding stuff, and Caleb and Caduceus are _boring_ and never want to do anything _fun._ And _you_ didn’t respond to my messages, so it’s just me and Yasha.”

Beau shifted a little, looking back where she’d left Vorsha, waiting for a drink. “Oh, yeah, uh, sorry I saw them but I… I’m here on a date so I didn’t reply.”

Jester bounced a little, letting out an excited squeal. “Who with? Can I meet her?” Jester’s eyes scanned the crowd behind Beau’s shoulder.

“Oh, uh,” Beau turned her head to find her date looking somewhat annoyed, staring at them. Beau shot her an apologetic smile, and gave a shrug. This was complicating things. This was a hookup, not a _date_. Jester always wanted things to be like in one of her romcoms and this… was not. This was physical. This was nothing like what she’d had with-

“Oh Yasha!” Jester’s voice cut through her thoughts, and Beau turned her head to see Yasha joining them, looking like a dream. Beau couldn’t help the way her heart skipped, seeing the amazon-esque woman approach.

 _Get your shit together, Beauregard._ Beau commanded silently, dropping one of Jester’s hands. _You are not a teen with a first time crush. You are experienced. You are a damn delight. Yasha not seeing that is not on you._

“Hey Yasha.” Beau said, chin lifting a little.

“Hello, Beauregard. Fancy seeing you here.” Yasha’s smile was soft, something in her eyes making Beau want to kiss her.

Beau swallowed, turning back to Jester. “You wanted to meet Vorsah right?” Beau said, “Follow me.” She pulled Jester along, pretending she didn’t care if Yasha followed. Pretending it was all fine and good. Pretending she didn’t give a rats ass about if Yasha was jealous or not. Still when Beau dropped down next to Vorsah, and turned her head to find Yasha had trailed along with, she felt a little spark of victory. This was a chance, an opportunity to make her jealous. It was perfect. “V, this is Jester, a friend of mine. And this is Yasha.” She said, waving vaguely, at them, angling her body towards the silver haired woman she was with. _Take that Yasha. She’s hot as hell and she wants to fuck me. Who cares if you don’t._

Beau put her hand on Vorsah’s thigh, trailing her fingers back and forth, putting on her dumbest, most vapid smile. _Tracy,_ the alter ego that was all too easy to put on.

Vorsah looked at Beau, then Jester, who was moving to sit down on the purple velvet lined couch on Vorsah’s other side, then to Yasha, who, Beau realized, now looked deeply uncomfortable, like she always did in clubs. Not relaxed like when she’d just been talking to Beau. “Hello,” Vorsah said, “Nice to meet you both. Did you remember my drink?” Beau stiffened. She hadn’t. She’d been so caught up in the idea of making Yasha even the slightest bit regretful she’d forgotten that the goal was to get drunk and get laid.

“Oh my gods, I’m an idiot.” Beau said laughing a little. “I’ll be right back.” She pushed to her feet, letting her hand trail over Vorsah’s shoulder as she went. Beau weaved her way through the crowd, letting her shoulders slowly drop. What are the fucking odds that the one night Jester decides she wants to go out dancing, Yasha’s the only one available to go with her. And is the night that Beau’s out on a date at the same club?! Beau ordered the drinks, and two shots for herself, which she downed in quick succession, before turning to head back to their corner. That was annoying too. They were well on their way from dancing to making out. That was the whole point of the dark corner, the couch, the drinks. Beau loved Jester, but she was also firmly in the _Ban Jester from every_ _club_ camp.

 _What do you need a club for anyway, Jes?_ Beau thought at her loudly. _You don’t even drink._

Beau returned to find that Yasha sitting on the small table in front of the couch, taking up more space than was strictly necessary. Vorsah had angled herself towards Jester, to accommodate.

Beau put on another fake smile, this one tinged with a smirk, and went to drop next to Vorsah despite Yasha’s knees knocking the couch. Beau just tossed her legs up over Yasha’s, her thighs resting on Yasha’s knees. She watched, out of the corner of her eye, Yasha’s lips part, her breath catch. She knew this move. Beau would do this, or some variation, to draw her out, to pull her in. Watching movies on the couch, she’d drape herself across Yasha, after long hikes she’d dramatically throw herself into Yasha’s arms. Beau liked _touch_ more than Yasha thought to give her, so Beau would go out of her way to find it. And Beau knew, looking how she looked; flushed, sweaty, hair mussed from dancing, crop top twisted, she _knew_ that she looked like all those nights she’d go grab them some waters from the kitchen and come back to bed and throw her legs over Yasha’s to keep her from running, from pulling away. She handed Vorsah her drink and looked to Jester, who was chattering along. “What we talking about?”

Jester looked to her, a devious sparkle glinting in her eyes. “Oh, I was just telling Vorsah all about the Traveler, and how he’s _so cool._ And how much fun he is. And- _”_

All of Beau’s hopes about getting laid went out the window, for two reasons. One, when Jester started talking about the Traveler, that was the end of the night, lights out, go home. Jester could talk about the Traveler for hours and not get bored. Beau even thought the Traveler seemed like a chill dude, (Was it disrespectful to call a god a chill dude? Beau still wasn’t sure,) but he wasn’t exactly the topic she’d pick to set the mood.

And reason two... Reason two was a calloused hand rested on her knee, a rough thumb tracing impossibly soft paths back and forth across it. Beau glanced to Yasha, who’s gaze was steady on Jester. Beau swallowed, and she saw, almost imperceptibly, the corner of Yasha’s mouth lift, and then it was gone.

Beau didn’t get laid that night, and Vorsah, hot as she was, didn’t get a call for another date. Not when all Beau could think of was Yasha’s hand on her leg.

 

* * *

 

 

The second time it happened seemed a little more suspicious.  Beau wasn’t a particularly paranoid person, but in two weeks, two different people had stood her up or flaked out on her and it was starting to feel like a pattern.

So, when she finally was out with someone, it was just one step too weird that Yasha and Molly were getting lunch at the same damn fucking dinner.

When she saw them enter and sit, she let out a long sigh, sinking down in the red and white booth.

“What… What are you doing?” Avantika, an ‘old friend’ of Fjord’s, was squinting at her from across the table. Avantika was undoubtedly hot, and though she’d been a little bit of a bitch off the bat, there was a certain amount of asshole behavior Beau could overlook if the offender was also super hot.

Beau wondered if she herself was hot enough for Avantika to overlook that she was acting like a hot slice of crazy.  Beau grimaced, and laughed a little. “Uh, just, well…”

“Beauregard!” Molly’s voice cut through her flimsy excuse, sweeping towards them with his arms out. “What are the odds!?” He dropped down next to Avantika, the smirk on his lips leaving no question that he knew he was being a dick.

“Mollymauk.” Beau replied, scowling. She was so caught up in her annoyance with him she didn’t notice Yasha had followed until she was leaning against the booth, smiling fondly at Molly. Beau’s eyes caught on her, unable to pull away. She looked fucking great. Beau heart skipped when Yasha looked to her. “Hey.” Beau managed.

“Hello.” Yasha replied, her gaze piercing. Beau’s lips pulled into a smile involuntarily, and Yasha’s grew in return. It was instinctive, the joy, a long ingrained habit she’d never shake.

A delicate accented voice across the table called Beau, and it took her a second to pull her gaze back to her date.

 _You are on a date, you nightmare._ Beau reminded herself. _Not here to make eyes at a woman who doesn’t want to date your disaster ass anyway._

“Friends of yours Beauregard?” Avantika asked, brow lifting.

“Oh, goodness, Yahsa how rude we are. Where are my manners-”

“You never had any.” Beau muttered, earning a snicker from Yasha as she dropped into the booth next to her.

“I’m Mollymauk Tealeaf. Molly to my friends.” He offered a hand with a flourish, and as much of a bow as he could manage in the booth.

Avantika looked at his hand, at his signature bomber jacket, then his face, and turned away. The look on her face left a sour taste in Beau’s mouth. “And you?” She asked, gaze directed at Yasha.

The pale woman’s brow lifted, glancing to Beau. “Oh, I’m, uh…”

“This is Yasha. ‘nother friend of mine.” Beau said, gesturing vaguely. “Yasha, Molly, this is Avantika. Fjord set us up.” Avantika stiffened, gaze flicking away at Fjord’s name, but Beau continued regardless. “I know these two from… Well, it’s… kinda convoluted how we know each other, and sounds dumb saying it.”

“We met at the carnival.” Molly said with a toothy grin.

“At the school carnival.” Yasha corrected. “Freshman mixer.”

“Yeah, I already knew Fjord and Jester-” Beau began to smile, thinking of all their antics, but Avantika cut her off with a raise of her hand.

“As fascinating as I’m sure you all find this story,” She purred, voice low, her gaze making Beau feel like she was a mouse making a cats job too difficult. “If we’re going to continue this, I’d like to continue it alone.”

Beau felt a little flame of annoyance spark up. Avantika had already been a bitch, then she acted like Molly’s meer presence was a distasteful (which, come on, she was the only one allowed to be a dick to Molly,and that’s after years of actual friendship,) on top of cutting Beau off mid sentence.

“Then I guess we won’t get to continue it.” Beau said, looking down her nose at Avantika.

The redhead sputtered a moment, then slid out the opposite side of the booth and stormed towards the door.

“Well she seemed just grand.” Molly said, scooting over to pick through Avantika’s fries.

Beau let out a little groan. “Two minutes, I think that’s a record in how long it takes you to ruin one of my dates.” She said, scowling at him.

“Oh, no way.” He argued. “I once dumped a drink on that girl’s shoes, she peeled out of there so fucking fast, oh what was her name.”

Beau scowled. “Eliza?”

“Ellie.” Yasha said, taking a sip of a soda Beau only realized was hers once it was back down in front of her. “That’s not your record, surely. There was that time you invited yourself to our first date.” Beau’s eyes cut over to her, shocked to hear her mention it. They hadn’t spoken of their relationship near each other since it ended.

“Well, that didn’t ruin the night, it enhanced it.” Molly replied, leaning towards Yasha, signature smile on.

Yasha’s laugh was enough to let Beau ignore the butterflies kicking up wind in her stomach.

Later, she couldn't even be mad at Molly and Yasha for crashing. She _was_ mad at Molly for sticking her with the bill, though. She felt justified in that.

 

* * *

 

The final dagger in Beau’s “ _there’s a conspiracy against me getting laid_ ” theory came when she was hanging out with Keg.

She’d already gone on two more failed dates at that point, one of them interrupted by Nott _needing_ her to come help with something _immediately_ which turned out to be a question about which buttons to use up the back of her wedding gown, an event Yasha also happened to be called in for. The next one was even more of a disaster. In the time it took to call asking for the wait time at the restaurant and getting there, every table had been reserved with a cash advance. The hostess apologized, and told Beau about some celebrity woman needing the venue for the evening. Which sounded like exactly the sort of thing Marion Lavore, or someone doing a great impression of her, would do. Yasha being at the restaurant next door, picking up takeout, icing on the date ruining cake.

But those easily could have been coincidences.

Could have been, but she doubted it. She was of the opinion that Nott, Molly, and Jester were all conspiring together to keep her single until Yasha decided to take her back which was, frankly, ridiculous. Yasha had always been too good for her. Beau knew that was always going to be the inevitable end. And why would it have been their business anyway, it’s not like Beau stuck her nose into their love lives. If and when she did she was totally justified. She’d been _right_ with Nott and Yeza, and Fjord and Jester. This was totally different. Totally completely different.

And if she kept telling herself that she might start to believe it.

 

* * *

 

Keg was the best person Beau had known in high school, and the only person she’d dated. She was the only person she’d kept in contact with from home when she’d cut off contact with her parents four months into sophomore year, the only person she’d _wanted_ to. Keg had been her sanity trying to figure out being queer in a small town with homophobic parents. Keg was _also_ bat shit crazy and a horrible influence.

She was an asshole. Most of Beau’s friends were assholes, it’s how she liked it. She had a two non-asshole rule, and between Caduceus and Jester, those slots were full.

She was also just that, a friend. Beau and Keg had agreed that them dating was so nonfunctional the first time, it wasn’t worth ever trying again. Breaking up had been less upsetting and more the agreed upon conclusion to the mess they were. They were still friends, of course, so as soon as she found out Keg was going to be in town they made plans, but not a _date_.

A distinction she didn’t make clear when she told Jester, Molly, or Nott. She needed to test her theory.

She and Keg were playing pool when the door opened, a Zemnian accent floating to her ears despite the distance and the chatter. She could clock Caleb from miles away. He’d never been subtle in his life.

“Fucking hell.” she muttered, glancing toward the door, watching a gaggle of familiar people enter. “Those absolute fuckers.”

“Hm?” Keg replied around a sip of her beer. Beau tracked her gaze to a tall blonde in the corner. Beau hit her with the blunt end of her cue stick. “Hey!” Keg replied gaze flicking back. “I’m listening, asshole.”

“Oh, what did I say then?” Beau’s gaze was still tracking her group of friends, all of them, and Yeza, which was especially rare these days with the business picking up. She saw the small smile on Yasha’s lips, watched the tall woman’s gaze flick about the bar, then saw it stop on her. Beau didn’t break her gaze, instead hitting Yasha with a soft smile. The look of shock on Yasha’s face was enough.

“Something about fucking, I think.” Keg replied, leaning on the table. “Which, I thought we were on the same page about, but I guess not.”

“Shut up.” Beau set down the cue, turning to lean herself, facing Keg. “You remember my college friends right? Just walked in. I think at least a few of them are trying to ruin my love life on behalf of another one of them.”

Keg’s eyes shot over, taking the motley crew by the bar. Beau turned her gaze just in time to see Yasha look away. “Is Nott here?” Keg asked a fond smile on her lips. She and Nott had met one weekend when Keg was in town, and had disappeared for hours, coming back the next day with a story neither would tell. “Nott’s the best.”

“Nott is one of the ones trying to ruin my chances of getting laid.” Beau replied arms crossing.

“Yeah, yeah, big deal.” Keg replied, waving a hand at Beau. “Are we going over there are are you going to keep bitching that your friends love and care about you?”

“They… You are… making a lot of assumptions without much knowledge.” Beau sputtered.

“They want to hook you and the tall, hot one back up.” Keg replied, turning her gaze back. “I agree. You’ve been a fucking _downer_ since that ended.”

Beau opened her mouth for a rebuttal, but a familiar voice called out, “Keg!” and before she could, a small dark blur of color flung itself at Keg.

Beau sighed, setting her cue down, leaning on the table as Keg returned the hug in her typical bad-at-this manner.

“Nice to see you too Nott.” Beau lifted her drink in a greeting.

“I saw you yesterday.” Nott replied, instead of dignifying Beau’s annoyance with a proper response.

Beau let out a little sigh, heading over to the bar without another word. She raised her beer in greeting to Yeza as he passed on his way to his fiancee. Her friends, the nightmare of color she called her family, were gathered around one edge of the bar. Caleb and Fjord were mid argument about who knows what, while Molly, Caduceus, and Yasha were locked in a quiet conversation, Molly and Yasha looking intense, Caduceus looking confused. The three fell silent as Beau drew near, Yasha’s eyes on the floor.

“Oh, Beau!” Jester was spinning on the stool as Beau drew near, a soda in hand, smiling wickedly. “I didn’t know you’d be here.”

“Mhmm.” Beau replied, brow lifting. “Sure Jester.” Jester smiled at her sweetly, and Beau scowled. “You’re ridiculous.” she said, “You too, Mollymauk.”

Molly put a hand on his chest offended. “Beau, I don’t know what you mean.”

“Fuck you, Molly.”

“Fuck you too, Beau.”

“Molly.” Yasha’s voice was soft, nearly pleading. It drew Beau’s gaze to her face. She was flushed, flustered. Yasha was almost never flustered. Beau shook it off, looking back to Molly and Jester.

“You both, and Nott for that matter, need to cut the crap, alright? Yasha do you even know the nonsense they’re up to?” she asked, brow lifting.

“What _we_ are up to?” Molly replied, looking to Yasha. “How’d blame get shifted to us?”

“Yeah, it wasn’t my idea!” Jester replied, straightening up.

“The execution was all you.” Yasha replied, pointing at her. “I was kidding.”

“You don’t kid.” Molly replied, looking at her through his lashes. “And the second time was _your_ idea too.”

“You all continued the… Okay, well you know I was in the right on _that_ one.” Yasha replied, arms crossing.

Beau’s eyes flitted between them confusion in her gaze. “What?”

“That Avantika was a character though. Fjord must have been on something _strong_ back then.” Molly mused, drawing Fjords glare briefly, before he turned back to his and Caleb’s conversation.

“I’m sorry, _what?_ ” Beau repeated.

“If you had just turned off twitter notifications we probably would have stopped. It was just so _sad_ seeing you get  annoyed when ever your phone dinged.” Jester continued to Yasha with a pout.

“What the _fuck?_ ” Beau said, voice raising. “You…” she pointed to Yasha. “You’re the one sabotaging my dates?”

Yasha went still and silent, lips parted, staring at Beau like maybe she’d forget the conversation if Yasha didn’t reply.

“You thought we were messing with you of our own accord?” Molly asked, brow lifting.

“Come on, Beau.” Jester replied, head tilting. “You know my pranks are less destructive than this.”

Beau’s gaze was on Jester when Yasha started to move, a step back, then turning, then rushing towards the door.

Beau’s lips parted in offense. “You… You’ve got to be _kidding_ me.” She muttered, before turning to chase Yasha out.

Beau caught the form of Yasha around the building and sprinted to catch up with the taller woman. At the edge of the parking lot, summer air hot and sticky, the sun starting to slowly set, she managed to get a hand on Yasha’s wrist. “Hold up,” She said, planting herself on the asphalt. “Just, come on Yasha.” she said, head shaking, a pained smile on her lips. “What… the _fuck_. You dumped me.”

Yasha turned back to her, framed by clouds and orange and pink light, eyes not quite meeting Beau’s. “I… am aware of that.”

“So…” Beau prompted when Yasha didn’t elaborate.

“I was trying to come up with a way to… fix that.” She said, eyes flicking over Beau’s face then steadfastly over Beau’s shoulder. “In my defense I was kidding when I told Jester we should crash your date. And when I told Molly that we should get lunch where you and that horrible redhead were.”

Beau nodded a little. “How about when Nott called me, or when the Ruby suddenly needed a venue? All someone else's idea?”

Yasha’s lips pressed in that way they did when Beau caught her in  a lie. “I can’t… say that exactly.”

Beau shook her head, then reached to pull Yasha down by her collar, kissing her without another moment of hesitation. “This is the dumbest plan to win me back _ever_.” she muttered against her lips.

Yasha’s hands found Beau’s waist, and Beau could taste her smile. “Maybe.” She admitted.

“Definitely.” Beau replied, pulling back. “Just to clarify, you don’t have to ruin our dates going forward. You should make sure your helpers know that too.”

Yasha laughed, and pulled Beau into another kiss. “I’ll let them know.”


End file.
